He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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