I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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