What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
