I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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