He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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