'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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