Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize