please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize