Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
