I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
