Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
