I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
