so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
