OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's shark week go big or go home
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
