i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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