When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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