When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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