his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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