What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
