so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize