the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
