dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
