wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize