I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Randomize
