I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
