I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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