Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
