Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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