I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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