My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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