he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He passed out mid-signature
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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