Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
