i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
