yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
