do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
BRING THE BAGELS
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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