I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
