so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
sarcasm needs its own font
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
