Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
