you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize