listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
