my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I didn't notice because vodka
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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