I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
