Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
