My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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