one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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