I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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