do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
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