my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
