We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize