two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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