okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
