I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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