I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
