okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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