He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize