just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
