he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
