Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
