her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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